Sometimes pain exists within us
I never realized it, but when my high-school girlfriend left me, she really messed me up, in ways I could not have imagined.
Calling me over phone one day, she told me that she was ending things with me and disconnected the call before I could ask what went wrong between us.
It was after a few days I came to know she had left the city, leaving me behind alone to figure out on my own what went wrong, what exactly I did that made my girlfriend to disappear from my life in such shockingly bizarre way.
I found the answer to that three years later when she returned and when I agreed to meet with her and talk over a cup of coffee (yes I have self-respect of the size of an atom).
It was my father, she told me narrating a shit-stale story on how it was him who had sent her to a far-away college so that she could concentrate on studies and leave bad-influence (he meant me, I think) behind.
I wanted to say to her that at least she could have told me, that would have saved me much of the pain, and that constant self-doubting I practised for three years. But whatever, I was happy, it wasn’t me after all, and three years had gone by since then, water under the bridge, no harm now. Right?
But I had seriously underestimated the damage her disappearing act had done on me.
I didn’t tell her, but when she left me, I felt such humongous quantities of pain that even today, memories of those days after she left me sends a shiver down my spine. I had never felt that kind of emotional pain before, and I believe I would ever again.
And over the years, trying to avoid such pain again, I developed a phobia of pain.
Avoiding pain became one of the guiding principles of life. This began to reflect in my day to day life, I would walk the safest and surest of the roads, talk in ways to not invite any criticism. No risk-no pain, right? Living this way, I began to see pain as this object outside of me that I can keep at bay, that I could control, only if I played my cards well, and by well I mean not playing them at all.